


If I Could Tell Him

by abbyisnotcool



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Au where connor and evan were friends, Connor still has mental illnesses so he committed sucide, Evan Hansen - Freeform, Ghost!Connor, M/M, Suicide, Tree Bros, Zoe Murphy - Freeform, and evan blames himself, but no one said anything, connor Murphy - Freeform, evan and connor had huge gay crushes on eachother, i started crying while writing this version, im sorry, sucide mention, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-11-30 14:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11465391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbyisnotcool/pseuds/abbyisnotcool
Summary: If I Could Tell Her, but Evan loves Connor instead.Warning: Suicide note?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY  
> edit: Holy shit this is the first fanfic that i think i cried at while writing, be prepared.

Zoe sat upon her bed, with Evan fiddling with his shirt, sitting on the floor. She looked down upon him, and smiled.

"He talked about you a lot." Evan's eyes found Zoe's, and he smiled.

"I thought he was amazing." Zoe's eyes widened and she pulled him up to her bed. Zoe looked at him for any signs of joking, but he wasn't.

"You thought he was amazing? My brother?" Zoe questioned as Evan's face turned a little sour. He looked away, and seemed to have a staring contest with a corner. He narrowed his eyes.

"Definitely." Evan turned back and smiled. Zoe was shocked. No one had ever talked about her brother like this. Not even her parents.

"How?" Evan frowned, then smiled. It couldn't mask how sad he was.

"well... I thought.. There was nothing like his smile, sort of subtle and perfect and... real." Evan looked at Zoe, who looked even more confused.

"I thought, he never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel." Zoe thought back to when Connor used to smile. It was a really nice smile. Evan's eyes seemed to be looking at that corner again.

"And I knew.. whenever he got bored he'd scribble doodles in between the lines of his notes." Evan stood up and moved towards the jacket that was hanging on the door frame. Zoe hadn't dared to move it.

"And I noticed.. that he fiddled with his pockets even if they were fraying... on his coat." Evan pointed to the pockets which had fraying seems all over. He turned back to Zoe.

"But I kept it all inside my head," Evan grabbed the jacket, and smiled at it, "what I saw was left unsaid." Evan turned to the window once more, and smiled up at the sun, almost like it was night and no one could see.

"And when the lights went dim, I still couldn't talk to him." Evan smiled back at Zoe, and then moved towards the corner.

"I couldn't find the way." He sighed, and stood smiling. "and i wish i could say..." Zoe could've been hallucinating because she couldn't have been seeing...?

"If I could tell you, tell you everything I see," she thought she could see Connor standing there, in shock, "If I could tell you, how your everything to me."

_Did Evan just grab his hand?_

"But we're so close, what should I say..." Evan smiled up at him. "We would sit and talk, on that lovely day."

He turned back to Zoe, eyes brimming with tears.

"If I could tell him...If I could tell him!" Evan sat back down next to Zoe, holding Connor's jacket tight. Zoe seemed to be set back, and faltered before she stared at Evan. She was fully and completely surprised. She pulled herself together and mustered a question.

"what else did you think?"

"about him?"

"w-well it doesn't matter we could ta-"

"no no its fine, its just i thought so many things, where could I begin?" Evan looked so wistful, it made her heart break.

"I thought, he looked really prett- no he looked pretty beautiful when he put his hair up in a bun." Evan smiled at the bands of elastics he had on his wrists. He probably carried them for Connor. He would always forget hair ties. Zoe smiled at that one.

"and I wondered, how he didn't care when he left his house messy and his fly undone." Zoe snickered at that one. Connor was always the messy one and his father hated it. But Evan looked so happy yet sad.

"But I kept it all, inside my head... what I saw was left unsaid." Evan stood up clutching his jacket.

"If i could tell him, tell him everything I see, if I could tell him." Evan whipped around, and Zoe saw so much in his eyes, "how he's everything to me." Pain, sadnesss, joy, fear.... _love_.

"but we're so close, what should I say." Zoe echoed him with that one, and Evan smiled.

"We would sit and cry, on that lovely day, if i could tell him!" Evan's eyes filled with tears again, and this time, he couldn't stop.

"If I could tell him!" Evan spun around to the corner again.

"But what do you do, when you don't know how to talk!" Evan almost screamed into the corner of the room. Zoe muttered ' _He seemed so far away._.' and Evan ignored and kept going.

"What could I have done, on those little walks." Evan's face was now red from containing the tears and Zoe again whispered, ' _I don't think i know anything._.' But Evan was not finished.

"and how should I say I love you," Zoe's eyes and body shot up at that. What was going on? Was Evan...?

"I love you!" Evan seemed to be hugging someone, but no one else was here. 

"I love you!" Evan was crying now, tears were streaming down his face, and he was sobbing. Huge tears were falling, but something seemed to be pushing them away. That's when Zoe saw _him_.

" _I love you_!" Evan was clutching onto Connor, and Connor was holding him right back, crying as well. They were both sobbing. Only then, did Zoe truly understand. Evan looked up at Connor, still shaking. 

 _They were in love_.

"But we were so close.. what to say." Connor held him tighter. Zoe heard him muttering ' _I'm sorry_.'

"We would sit and smile..." Connor moved his face into the crook of Evan's neck, and Evan smiled.

"for one day." Connor seemed to have gone again from Zoe's vision, and Evan stepped back. He turned to Zoe, smiling, even though his face was red from tears and there were marks.

"if I could tell him..." Evan smiled through his tears. He looked down at Connor's jacket, and looked through his pockets. He froze as he touched something. He pulled it out and looked at it. It was a small little paper, and Evan's eyes widened. He opened, and his eyes scanned through it and...

' _If I could..._." Evan couldn't hold onto that. He fell to the ground sobbing into Connor's jacket, and Zoe walked over and hugged him. But before she could join... she noticed one last thing.

_Connor had already beat her to it._

After that whole ordeal happened, Evan was tired from crying. So he fell asleep on Zoe's bed. As Zoe sat down on the floor, she noticed that piece of paper fell from Evan's hands. She picked it up, and unfolded it. She read it. And she gasped. She looked at Evan and back. She slipped the paper back into the pocket, and went downstairs to talk to her parents.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I know you won't get this until I'm dead, or I failed my_ _attempt. I gave my jacket to Zoe for a reason, I knew she would give it to you._

_But I just want to tell you one thing before I die. Well maybe two._

_1\. It wasn't your fault._

_2\. I love you too._

_I'm sorry._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._


	2. an explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An authors note

//hi.  
So as you can tell, this is gonna be a explanation and a authors note. But what is the explanation for?

I guess it's for why Connor decided to commit suicide. 

Yes. Connor had Evan, and he was happy with him.  
But only with him.

Connor still had a mental illness. In my opinion, he probably had a mix of depression, BPD and anger issues. Yes, Evan was there to help.

But his parents still didn't know what to do, Zoe was confused because "why is my sibling lashing out?" His parents refused to believe he needed help, Zoe didn't know why he smoked and did what he did, people at school still called him a freak, and a school shooter. 

Evan couldn't fix everything. And both him and Connor knew that.

And with all of that jumbled together, Connor still couldn't take it. So, he took his life.

Yes he knew it would hurt Evan... but he couldn't deal with the voices in his head and the screaming and taunts from outside. Evan was the one good thing he had, but that couldn't overcome the bad.

Thanks for reading. I'll be updating my BMC stuff soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this clears up some things

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry  
> (If u want art:  
> http://5balloons.tumblr.com/post/162845778724/based-on-this-i-cried-a-lot )


End file.
